Thursday, October 2, 2014

GOD WANTS US DEAD (sneak preview)

This is based on a true story.

The following is for inquisitive readers. Readers seeking writings that are not inquisitive may skip ahead and search for what they seek.

“We overanalyze”, stated Hero, the great leader. Hero munches on some chicken wrapped in bacon,deep friend, and rolled in sugar.
Hero stands a tall, stunningly handsome man, whose very looks command respect as a great leader. Sitting, he looks sort of a dweeb. Thus explains why he rarely sits, which helps him look like a reader when everyone else is sitting and he’s still standing protecting his vanity and status.
“Yet of course”. Brute is in agreement, but with the statement and the general protocol than one never questions the leader, unless the question is akin to requesting guidance to the nearest lavatory, in which such questioning is permitted but only in moderation with no inklings of radical questioning tendencies.. Brute chooses some spinach for his snack. Brute is going to live longer than Hero. This is not a spoiler alert, just a fact. Oh, not because Brute lives longer due to better nutrition. Brute will murder Hero. Oops, that was a spoiler alert.
Brute is a follower scared of his own shadow. Which is why he follows people as he is not scared to stand in other people’s shadows. Those shadows are comforting, not scary like some part of his soul has escaped into a shadow which mocks his movements.
Brute is thin and athletic, yet not steroid athletic. Brute was suspended from the Captured Foreigners with No Job Skills and Who Have No Souls Because We Deem It Thus and Therefore They Can Be Tortured in Stadiums for Sport games because of steroids. The steroid effects wore off as Bruce delightfully discovered as his penis has begun growing back. This led to his break-up with his girlfriend Sappyho who had presumed he is a female, While scandalized in sports performance, Brute remains a member of the NJSWHNSBWDITTTCBTSS Board of Directors, if only because membership only requires remembering those initials.
“Answers are simple”, explains Hero, “often so much so that we fail to see them because we are hopelessly lost in our own complexities.”
“I get lost ever day”, Brute responds, “I believe the consumption of alcohol explains that.”
“The universal truth is that the universal may be simply explained”, Hero explains, “it is the complexity of our minds that makes us turn simplicity into complexity.”
Nero tried to grasp that. It sounds all too complex.
“All that is matter is life”, Hero explains.
“Exactly, life is all that matters”, Brute retorts, believing he is agreeing with Hero.
“No, that is not what I mean”, Hero shoots bare an accusatory stare at Brute. “Why must you so frequently disagree with me?”
“I disagree that I disagree with you” Brute reacts, hoping that his disagreement will allow Hero to observe his agreements.
“The entire universe consists of small pieces of matter that can all fit together into one littler ball”, Hero continues.
“I like balls”, Brute agrees, hoping that Hero realized he means balls for sporting and not anything sexual.
“Matter is alive. Even light has mass”, Hero lectures.
“I light a candle light at mass”, Brute chimes, hoping he is having a similar conversation thread of Hero.
“Mass needs to consume more mass in other to grow”, Hero lectures. “Life needs to feed upon other life in order to keep living. You realize what this means?”
“Does this mean I will get fat if I overeat?” Brute answers a question with a question as he doesn’t have an answer.
“This means that in other for other mass to live, all mass must die”, Hero notes.
“It’s mass murder”, Brute realizes.
“That means in the grand design of the universe”, Hero pauses for dramatic effect, something the reader will have to imagine, “all mass must die.” Hero pauses again for dramatic effect. If the reader already imagined what this is like, the reader may skip ahead imagining a dramatic pause twice as the reader has already imagined what this is like. “the design of the universe is that all must die so others can live.”
“Who would invent such a system?” Brute questions, “what purpose is it to create life only to then destroy it?”
Hero pauses again for dramatic effect. The reader may check two paragraphs prior for instructions. Hero then makes his grand realization: “God wants us dead.”
“Yes, but what happens when we die?” Brute asks.
“I have no idea”, Hero responds.
“Could there be eternal life?” Brute wonders, “if we die, do we continue on living is some other form?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea”, Hero notes, “no one has experienced this and returned to explain what happens. Unless, of course, you are on of those believers in one of those figures who claim they did so. All I know is, when you die in your current form, that is it for your current form.”
“So”, Brute calculates some thoughts in his brain, “we need to get the most out of life while we are still alive.”
“Why, yes, that is one way of looking at it”, Hero notes.
“So, if God wants us dead”, Brute continues, “we must as well enjoy things as best we can and help him along towards achieving our deaths.”
Hero guides Brute towards Harpo, the dyslexic Nubian Princess from Nubia, daughter of King Nub and Queen Ia. Hero stands in front of Harpo, admiring her ample bazookas, which is a kind of chewing gum wrapped in a comic strip, which sits on top of her naked breasts.
Hero pours himself some coffee and adds some whipped cream above the coffee. “I like my coffee the way I like my women. Hot, Black, covered in whipped cream which I slowly lick off,” Hero states to Brute while eyeing Harpo.
“I prefer tea”, Brute responds, “I like to thrust my bag inside the cup and dunk it up and down, up and down, until the water is full of tea swimming around inside the cup.”
“Eww”, Harpo reacts disgusted.
“Oh, I am sorry, m’am”, Hero rides to the rescue, “We meant nothing sexual at all by our statements.”
“Absolutely”, Brute corroborates, “until my penis is done growing, I hardly ever think of anything sexual.”
“Eww:, Harpo reacts disgusted, in a repeat performance.
“This woman seems to speak with a limited vocabulary”, Hero observes.
“Limited vocabulary?”. Harpo rises defiantly. “Thine entrails are extemporized with merda...”
Hero confusedly wonders if he is suppose to thank Harpo for what she states or if he is to have her head chopped off.
“ archon”
“Off with her head”. Hero has decided. He is not certain what an archon is, but it sounds insulting.
Robert Eyewood, Hero’s executioner, rolls his eye. “Are you certain? You always change your mind after every execution.”
“Of course I am certain” Hero replies “once I change my mind, you just sew their heads back on and all is as before.”
“No, it doesn’t work that...”Robert Eyewood explains.
“You can not question my judgement”, Hero proclaims, “Brute, cut off his head, and then her head, and then sew their heads onto each others’ bodies. That will teach them.”
“That makes no sense”, Brute answers.
“How dare you challenge my wisdom”, Hero shouts, “Cut off your own head before you cut off the other heads.”
Brute realizes he has made a mistake. After years of never doubting anything Hero proclaims, he has made the mistake and contracted his leader. Brute perspires wondering how to get back in Hero’s good graces.
“I know”, Brute whispers to himself, “I’ll do what Hero wishes and I shall cut off my own head. That will show him I do whatever he asks, and they we continue as friends.”
Brute ponders the logic of his most recent thoughts. There appears to be a logical error somewhere. Was the error that he is not only wearing two socks of different colors, that he also wore both socks on the same foot? No, that may not be it, Brute concludes, for Hero did not mention socks. Brute ponders what is was Hero mentioned that appeared nonsensical. Perhaps it was the beheading statements, Brute realizes. Brute realizes he can’t chop off his head and then the heads of two others and then sew them back when he does not know how to sew.
Brute panics and acts according to the first thought that strikes him. He scratches his buttocks. Brute panics and acts according to the second thought that strikes him. He passes some gas.
“Eww”, Harpo reacts disgusted, for still another re-run.
“There is that limited vocabulary once again”, Hero remarks to Harpo.
“How can you say that, when she already told us all you basically are full of manure”, Brute yells at Hero.
Brute panics and acts according to the thought that strikes him. He sneezes.
“Achoo, Brute”, Hero
Brute grabs a hatchet from Robert Eyewood, swings, and severs Hero’s head from his body.
“Do you realize what you’ve done?” Robert Eyewood asks in shock.
The full gravity of the situation dawns upon Brute as he observes gravity bringing Hero’s head to the ground.
“Yes, you’re our new leader”, Harpo observes.
The system of governance is that whoever kills the current leader becomes the new leader. This creates some uncertainty for while a leader can easily be replaced the best protection a leader has is knowing that the next leader will realize his or her reign may just as easily be truncated, therefore minimizing the number as aspirants for leadership. That and the fact that the leader’s job doesn’t pay all that well after budget cutbacks instituted after the famous scandal where the treasurer forget where he put the checkbook and after several years still can’t find it.
Brute picks up Hero’s head and walks it to the top of the stairs outside the leader’s office. A crowd gathers around Brute.
“Is that Hero’s head”, Obvi Us questions.
“It looks more like Peter Grating’s head” Cyndy Acal responds.
“I’m right here” Peter Grating answers.
“It could still be your head”, Cyndy Acal retorts, trying to come up with a response, “maybe you had two heads and this severed head was one of them.”
“Of course not”, Peter Grating proclaims, “have you ever seen a two headed person in your entire life?”
“Just because I’ve never seen an alligator with a horn and wings doesn’t mean they don’t exist,” Cyndy Acal shouts back.
“Yes, this is Hero’s head,” Brute announces, “thus, since I have killed Hero, I am now your new leader.”
“You didn’t kill Hero”, Harold Sasses yells, “I killed Hero. I’m your new leader.”
“You’ve been with us all day”, Paris Marriett explains to Harold Sasses, “and I not once saw you kill Hero.”
“All hail, Brute, our new leader!” Harold Sasses proclaims, leading the crowd into intense cheering and a few mild convulsions.
Harold Sasses moves next to Brute holding a hatchet.
“You’re planning on killing me, aren’t you?”, Brute asks of Harold Sasses.
“Of course not”, Harold Sasses explains, “I am going to cut down a cherry tree. I’d never lie to you.”
“That does it!” Hero proclaims, “from now on, the succession of leadership shall no longer be provided to the person who kills the current leader.”
“Spoil sport” Harold Sasses hisses towards Brute.
“From now on, we shall be a democracy”, Brute announces.
The crowd looks at each quizzically. “What is a democracy?” Nell Littletown asks
“It where we vote for who should be our leader”, Brute answers.
“Boat for our leader?” Nell Littletown questions, “you mean. we tie our leader to a boat and whether or not your drown, and if you don’t drown, then that means you are the devil and we kill you but if you do drown you are our leader?”
“Well, that makes sense” murmurs many in the crowd, except for Meachem Schwartz.
“Not boat, vote”, Brute huffs and puffs, “It is an ancient practice where people write down on pieces of paper the name of who each person believes is best suited to be the leader. Then the wealthiest people reads the names and they pick which person they believe is best.”
The crowd cheers uproariously, down-roariously, and a few more nimble people, sideways-roariously. The merriment abruptly ends when a winged alligator with a horn swoops down and eats Cyndy Acal.
“I shall yield the leadership of all the land except for one island,” Brute announces. “I shall retain the leadership of the island of Cat House Leaning. Oh, and the tradition of the new leader being the person who kills the current leader remain null and void there, as well.”
“Then how well the next leader of Cat House Leaning be chosen?”, Donald Samuelson inquires.
“There will be no leader at all in Cat House Leaning Island” Brute proclaims.
“No leader? Who will carry out affairs of state, foreign relations and other sexual excursions”  Donald Samuelson wants to know.
“All who live on Cat House Leaning Island shall do whatever they please. No leader. No laws. We shall spend our entire wealth during our lifetime on Cat House Leaning Island”, Brute explains while reaching into his pocket “for I have found the Treasurer’s checkbook. It was in his pants pocket the entire time.”
The Treasurer slaps his forehead. He never thought to look there.
The Treasurer, incidentally, has no given name. That made it easier for him to sign checks. The Treasurer shouts “but we need a leader. It is our right as humans to follow a power hungry leader who will steal our wealth and trick us into being loyal servants to that leader, because, well, it’s what we do.”
“You have a point”, Brute notes, “I indeed shall be your leader, yet only at Cat House Learning Island. I wish to rule no lands further than there.. I shall be a benign neglect leader who shall let us live in a land with no laws, where we all may do what we want, within limits as shall be set by myself, but other than that, we shall do as we please.”
This is met with extensive cheers and a few jovial armpit farts.
“There shall be these following rules” Brute announces.
The crowd silences.
“A new may no longer be replaced by killing the current leader”, Brute proclaims, “killing the leader shall only result not in elevation in power, but a demotion of one grade in your civil service classification and a fifity dollar fine.”
“Drat”, Stalinchev mumbles to himself as he places his knife back into his pocket.
“There shall be no children permitted on Cat House Leaning Island” Brute announces. “All food, drink, and especially alcohol shall be brought to Cat House Leaning Island. Our generation shall devour all substances until it is all gone, and our generation has passed. We shall no nothing but eat, drink, and have sex with however we wish and however we wish all day and all night long!”
The crowd cheers wildly.
“We will not work, unless you actually enjoy that and want to do it, as we shall live as the last generation.”
“But what about the children?” Little Nellie, a sweet, adorable little girl asks.
“Who cares?” Brute tells Little Nell, “for we are leaving you children all behind to fend for yourselves. We don’t care what happens to you.”
The crowds cheers again.
“So, all adults we wish to win, drink, and fornicate while we devour all our supplies and resources, follow me to go live on Cat House Leaning Island” Brute states as he begins walking towards that island.
It is noted that every adult in the land joined in this venture, leaving every child behind. It seems that given the choice of being with your children or having sex, food, and drink whenever one wishes, the true nature of that society was exposed.
“One last pronouncement”, Brute declares, “since we are all going to wake to share lots of naked photographs of each on the Internet, I hereby renamed Cat House Leaning Island as Cyber Us!”
The crowd cheered, yet not as loudly, as they weren’t really as enthused with the new name as they were with the idea of continue sex, drink, and food.

Readers who are not as inquisitive who skipped over the boring part preceding this may begin reading here. This is where the good stuff regarding plot and character development begins. All readers need to know at this point is that God wants everyone dead, so everyone has decided to do their best to enjoy rushing to their deaths.

Advanced word of the name change reached Cat House Leaning Island. In preparing to greet the new residents, all signs were changed to note the island’s new name, Sybarus.
It seems that the sign makers had not quite understood that the name was to have been Cyber Us. Since the signs were made, all adults now lived in Sybarus. None of them knew or cared if the children renamed their land. The children were totally forgotten.
“All hail Brute, the Emperor of Sybarus” is the greeting Brute receives as he enters and views Sybarus. He scans the land with his hands on his hips, looking dignified, calculating where it is they keep the nearest lavatory.
Soon many adults carry all the land’s provisions of food and drink and place them into various storage facilities. Brute is assured there are indeed several decades of provisions, although the final decade may be a bit bland yet by then those remaining should be old and sickly so it won’t matter as much to them.
The bridge between the island and land is burned. No child may sneak onto the island. Not that, of course, any child would not be quickly spotted. They tend to be shorter and smaller and thus quite easy to spot amongst a population of only adults.